I Can No Longer Seek Out That Strange Feeling During Ramadan

I've been fasting for the Holy month of Ramadan for the past 18 years. It started back in 7th grade. At the time I was only 13-years-old. Many of my cousins had jumped on the bandwagon of fasting and my parents kept nagging me about it, so I gave in.

At the time, I didn't pray five times a day. Nor did I comprehend the reasons and benefits behind fasting. But when I did pray and fast, there was a strange feeling. A feeling of tranquility. A feeling of ease. A sense of healing. It was a powerful yet soothing feeling. In those moments, I felt all the burdens vanishing away. I felt light. I felt like there was someone who was listening to my unspoken prayers. I felt heard.

But for the past few years, that feeling seems to be absent. I feel like I've lost it or it's hiding from me. I feel like I have to make twice as much effort to find it and keep it. That feeling came to me so naturally, so why is Allah SWT pushing me to find it now? Why does He want me to search for it? Why is He not just giving it to me like he did in the past? Why do my duas and prayers feel hollow? Why do I feel like I'm constantly hitting a dead end? What is Allah SWT trying to show me?

When I go to the mosque for Taraveeh, fast, pray and make dua, I no longer feel fulfilled. I feel incomplete. I feel like something is missing. I cannot even say for certain whether Allah SWT is listening to me. He feels far. No matter how much I do, it feels insufficient.

I think I've changed and my belief in Allah SWT has faltered. My Iman needs to be replenished. I'm going to make it my goal to rediscover this lost feeling during this Holy month of Ramadan because it gave me a sense of peace.